the way i see it

Lately I've been obsessed with the ideas about relationships and love. Don't ask me why, i keep seeing pictures and hearing stories and store them in my head and thinking this is how I want it to be when I grow up and when he finds me. Notice the part when I "grow up" and when he finds me because he should come to me not me to him

I've been wanting to take my mother out to get pedicures for the longest time just because I think she would enjoy the pampering and seeing her with red toenails would be priceless. Seeing her in any color besides black is pretty priceless.

I went home the other weekend and we're watching Sound of Music and I look over and see her toenails are painted a bright maroon color. what. who. and why.

"MOMMY."

"what."

"You went to get a pedicure without me?!?! I told you I've been wanting to go with you! When did you get it!?!!"

"yeah so."

"Where did you go?!"

"I didnt go anywhere. Daddy did them for me"

"wait wha__. Daddy painted your toenails???"

"Yah. He did a pretty good job didnt he?"

At this point I don't know what to say or do but let it slowly process in my mind..

"Did Daddy even want to? or did you ask him?"

"Of course I asked him, he can't read my mind. I just mentioned I wanted to get my toes done and he said he would do it for me. He did a good job and I dont even have to pay him. Do you want him to paint yours too?"

"um thanks but no thanks" and I turn around back to the tv puzzled at what just happened.

The more I think about it, you know how a girl always wants her husband to be like her father. Well I want my idea of love to be just like my mom and dad. Where he paints my toenails and actually does a GOOD job while we listen to Boyz 2 Men. Or in my parents case the Bee Gees.

Sushi & Wine

So sometimes SNAKS (my wonderful core group of friends) have these therapy sessions where we each talk and lay everything out over sushi and wine from boys to work. It's going to become quite a tradition. and then we set one goal that we have to accomplish this in a certain span of time.

Well one topic led to another and one of us wants to go away, like literally far away, like lets cross the Atlantic and work in another country, and two want to move up to SF in a couple years. And here I am with my goal of wanting to move to new york. and for a moment it made me really sad that in this past year I had three wonderful people who I could count on from dancing in front of the mirror to complaining about the most insignificant things but to them it was the only thing that mattered . and it made me really sad and wishing that I could press pause and not have things change.

I know we'll all be moving on in our separate ways and I know when we see each other the bond that we've established we'll still be there for each other 50 years later. but right now it's so good I dont want to even blink that I miss the moments i have with them. It made me so sad and it hurt that I could lose them . i mean i could look up in the thesaurus and look up a millions ways to say sad and it would still not sum up how I felt that night.

I know change is inevitable and people grow apart and that won't be the case with snaks becuase when we're old and wrinkly, i know we'll keep some tradition of sushi and wine with suzie probably still holding riley and nicksth shaking his head and kurt doing some weird position and I'll be putting my hair back behind my ear thinking how lucky I am to have them still in my life...

Engagements

One of the girls at work just got engaged over the weekend and she's my age.

Everytime I hear someone getting engaged I alwasy scrunch up my face, lift my hands up and think WWWHHHYY???

But this time was different, for one nano-millisecoond looking at her huge rock, I wondered what it would be like to be that girl so ecstatic that shes engaged and can start planning her wedding full of bridesmaids dresses and roses (although I wouldnt want roses at my wedding-ick) and that she no longer has to worry about dating randoms, let alone trying to meet that ONE and can go home where her fiance/ soon to be husband will be waiting to hold her, give her back massages, cook her ramen noodles and asking her how her day went. And for once it almost sounded nice to me to have someone there that wants to be with you through sickness and in health at that moment.

And then I thought....but if I was engaged to someone right now then that would get in the way of my plan of world domination of the fashion industry and then me and Karl Lagerfield would never be best friends.

Lunch buys friends

I just drank one cup of Organic Chai tea and I feel like I have a million oompa loompas bouncing in my blood vessels-with that its time to update...

This weekend Louis and his business venture (www.neveroddorevenla.com) showed their stuff in Downtown LA so of course I had to go check it out becuase I have been eyeing these knee high gladiators (hoping they will be less expensive then the Jeffrey Campbells) and also since I am all about merchandise from Hong Kong.

Of course I had to drag the gay boyfriend aka the roommate aka Kurtonce Knowles (he's so diverse). Mind you we had Suzie's friends party the night before and came home late. we got a late start.

At 11am I knock on his door...

Me: Kuuuurrtie want to go to downtown with me and then to Americana to meet iris?

Kurt: nooooo. why can't I just go with you to the Americana- I will paaaaaay for your gas to come back and pick me up and then go to the Americana

Me: but you have to come with me to Downtown! I can't go by myself and you know why!

Kurt: Oh hells (and he turns around and goes back to sleep)

Alright so what do I do, I call Suzie and ask her if she wants to come but she cant cuz shes already running errands and then has to meet up with her friend and I suggest what do I do then since someone has to COME with me...

Suzie: Tell Kurt you'll buy him lunch

DONE and DONE. Suzie is so smart.

So I go back in Kurt's room

Me: KURT I'LL BUY YOU LUNCH IF YOU COME

...and 5 minutes we're on our way to downtown

Who said money cant buy friends?

Or in my case who said food can't buy friends?

Oh and if you were wondering they didnt have the knee high gladiators. boo.

Rantings of fear, love, and boba

8 months ago I gave someone everything I had- you know tried to do everything right for once, gave him my trust, listened to him, from driving 2 hours to see him and sacrificing everything else to be with him. (yeah I know, what girl doesnt when shes with a boy shes in love with...oh yeah EVERY OTHER GIRL)

Then it became more complicated from not getting along with his douchebag of a roommate, to stupid situational things such as we both had gotten out of a relationship, the distance, nothing in common and he had too much going and needed to simplify his life. Of course I was one of the things he would need to take out in order to gain that goal of simplification.

After that I was an emotional wreck. I never had experienced this emotion where I felt beaten to the ground and everything spilled out for roadkill. I didnt know how to get back standing up straight and walking on my two feet. I remember pulled over on the side of the freeway sobbing wondering why I wasn't worth it, or worth anything at all for that matter and then a cop stopping wondering why I was on the side of the road. And as that dramatic-oh-my-god-my-life-is-over, I pathetically cried to him that my boyfriend broke up with me and he shook his head saying I could give you a ticket for just sitting here but since you're such a mess I'm going to expect you to drive on. oh and he was a dick about it too. I have never liked cops- they have never saved my life-just given me tickets and belittle my relationship breakup.

Needless to say, over time I got back to finding who I used to be  along with working on the better version, the new and improved, the 2.0 version.

But 2 weeks ago, that guy who took me to a place where I want to forget and never go back, texted me saying he wanted me back in his life and now I'm back at square one. I'm back to asking everyone waht they think,  where I'm unsure of myself and every move I overanalyze. I think he wants it back because he's lonely, he dated all the girls he could and found out none of them worked so he's going back to what he knew and that was me.

At the same time I want to believe what he says, that he's over dating and its me he wants and we're going to take it slow. but what is the DEFINITION of taking it slow. As far as I know, he knows shit about waht he wants and I dont want to get dragged along with it.

I feel mixed up, confused and frustrated and people say I should talk about it with him or that I'm just too scared to get to that feeling again, the fear that I'm going to get hurt and not even giving him the chance. I've talked this already with him, I've talked it to the ground. and He still says he wants to keep going in the direction of a relationship. but what he tells his friends is different and how he still hits on girls is different than what hes' telling me

But you know what I dont care. I dont want to care. I want to go back where I was going out with friends drinking boba. I hate how its getting to me and how I think about it all the time when I just wished he never texted me This fear of going back to that place is holding me back from really knowing what I could have with him. But Im going to let the fear win this time and yeah people say I'll never know but right now I'm not ready and hes not worth it to take that chance.

And boba is extremely fun but it has a lot of calories. And that was the third rant of my title